The Diagnosis
by Kiraya
Summary: Lelouch receives some unpleasant news at the doctor's. Why is everyone taking it so calmly? Suzaku/Lelouch, mpreg, switching, CRACK.


Originally written for the Code Geass kinkmeme. I have no excuse.

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><p>After a few weeks of morning nausea, abdominal pain, and — god, this was embarrassing — hypersensitivity in his nipples, Lelouch finally caved and went to a doctor.<p>

The doctor nodded and asked questions — some of which were horribly intrusive, but Lelouch dutifully answered them anyway — made notes, ran tests. Lots of tests. A dizzying number, actually, many of which ended with him frowning over the results with his nurse assistant and not saying anything to Lelouch. It was all rather worrisome.

Finally, when Lelouch was nearly at the end of his patience, the doctor cleared his throat. "Well, Mr. Lamperouge, before we begin I just want you to know that my staff and I will be behind you every step of the way in this. I know this might be difficult to accept, but…"

Lelouch's mind raced. The way the doctor was talking significantly narrowed down the three hundred and six possibilities he'd considered, but terminal illness threw _such_ a wrench in his plans. He'd have to significantly move up the rebellion's schedule _and_make sure it won Japan enough of a reprieve that Nunnally would be safe for the rest of her life. Even if he diverted all the money from his secret accounts to provide for her, if the rebellion failed there was no guarantee she'd receive much, if anything, in the way of legal protection—

"Mr. Lamperouge?"

"I'm sorry, Doctor." He sighed, allowing a touch of melancholy into his voice. "How long did you say I had?"

"As I mentioned, our tests indicate you're nearly two months along, so probably about another seven. I trust that should be sufficient time to make all the necessary preparations." The doctor looked rather cheerful about the entire prospect, which Lelouch found rather off-putting, honestly. This was no way to treat a dying man.

"I hope so… though I'm worried for my sister. She's not going to take this well…"

"Oh?" The doctor smiled, amused. His demeanor grew more offensive with every moment; Lelouch fought to control his temper. "I'm sure she'll be ready to be an aunt by the time the baby's born."

Lelouch's thoughts screeched to a halt.

He opened his mouth. Closed it. "…Excuse me?"

The doctor actually _laughed_. "I know it's a lot to take in, but the tests don't lie. You're pregnant." He shook Lelouch's hand. "Congratulations."

"I don't know who put you up to this," Lelouch snarled, nearly trembling with anger, "but it isn't funny. Tell me what's really wrong with me, this instant."

The doctor frowned. "There is nothing 'wrong' with you, Mr. Lamperouge. Granted, the circumstances are… highly unusual, to say the least—"

Lelouch exploded. "No! The circumstances are not 'highly unusual'; it's _anatomically impossible_! _Any_ idiot with half a brain could figure _that_out, unless of course he was some sort of quack with a bullshit degree from—"

"Mr. Lamperouge, _please_—"

"—or did you fail your anatomy classes? Because last I checked my physical attributes quite firmly indicated I possess neither ovaries nor a uterus, both of which— _where are you going_?"

He had to admit to a certain thrill of pleasure when the doctor flinched at that. "…I'm going to give you some time to calm down. After that we'll talk about seeing if we can't find an obstetrician who'll be willing to work with you. Please excuse me."

Lelouch seethed quietly as the door clicked shut behind the man, but his anger was rapidly giving way to worry. Oh god. An obstetrician, accustomed to working exclusively with women, would have no idea how to handle this — assuming he or she was in on or bought in to this preposterous hoax — and other doctors would be called in. How big could the joke get before the truth came out? He had horrific visions of himself as a laughingstock of medical literature in joke columns, his name plastered everywhere… ripe for some of the people he least wanted to find him to come across.

For Nunnally's sake, he could not let this happen.

Discarding his papery medical smock, Lelouch dressed quickly, finishing with his shoes just as the doctor returned. Straightening, he glared straight into the man's eyes. "You will forget that any of this ever happened."

Before the doctor could recover, he slipped past him, grabbing his file from the holder on the door. He had to erase the evidence—

"Excuse me, sir, that isn't—"

The nurse; perfect. Now Lelouch wouldn't have to track her down. "I order you to forget that I was ever here."

He continued briskly down the hall, his file tucked under his arm, passing the receptionists' desk without so much as a glance.

"Sir," one of them called after him, "I must insist we discuss your bill—"

Ugh. "Forget you saw me today," Lelouch snarled, and turned back toward the door.

Everyone in the waiting room was staring at him.

"That goes for the rest of you, too!"

God, what a fiasco.

As soon as he got home, Lelouch swept into his room — he had far more important things to worry about than the council meeting this afternoon — tossed the medical file into the trash can, and settled in front of his computer. Now he had to take the time to find a new doctor (someone with half a brain and less of a prankster mentality) and schedule an appointment and do all the necessary paperwork… One more thing to worry about, just what he needed.

There was a rustle of bedcovers — C.C. rolling over, probably. "You were gone an awful long time."

"I don't want to talk about it," he snapped, not looking away from his search.

He received no reply, but the sounds of swishing cloth stopped, to be replaced a few moments later by the shuffle of papers. "What's this?" she asked idly.

Alarmed, Lelouch leapt from his seat. Sure enough, there C.C. stood, wearing only her panties and one of his button-down shirts (would the woman _ever_learn to wear decent clothing around the house?), paging through the file he'd just discarded.

"None of your business," he ground out, and reached out to tear it from her hands, ripping the file into pieces.

"On the contrary," she said, and her lips curved upward into a smirk, "your pregnancy could have a major impact on our contract, depending on how you handle it."

"I'm _not_pregnant!"

"Your test results looked pretty straightforward to me." C.C. paused, and before Lelouch could lay into her about how she couldn't _possibly_ have the _slightest_clue what she was talking about, added, "Although I have to wonder just what you've been up to to end up in this predicament."

Lelouch flushed. He was _not_going to discuss his sex life with her! "What predicament? There is no predicament!" he declared hotly, sweeping his arm in a negating gesture. "I can't be pregnant. It's impossible!"

C.C. raised an eyebrow. "I'd think even a boy of your age and… virginal tendencies would know what happens when people have sex," she drawled.

"That's _vaginal_sex, and—!" Lelouch stopped, reddening further as C.C. laughed wickedly. That impossible woman…!

"This is ridiculous," he muttered to himself, pinching the bridge of his nose as he turned away and tried to calm down. "I am _not_having an argument about something that can't happen. This is a disaster."

"_THIS IS A CAUSE FOR CELEBRATION!_"

To his utmost embarrassment, Lelouch let out an undignified yelp as Milly burst into the room. "Milly, how did you get in here? I thought I locked—"

"Spare key." She waved her hand dismissively, grabbed him by the arm, and started dragging him off. "Anyway, come on! You're going to be late for your baby shower!"

"Baby shower?" he echoed, an unpleasant weight settling in the pit of his stomach. Oh, please, they couldn't be in on it too, could they?

"The doctor was concerned about your reaction, so he called to let Grandfather know about it—" oh god, he must have done that when he left the room "—and Grandfather told me, and while it won't be our best effort since it was kind of a last-minute thing we're throwing you a baby shower to lift your spirits!" Milly said cheerfully.

"But I'm not pregnant!" Lelouch protested.

"—and a name the baby contest, which should be _tons of fun_—"

"No! No no no no _no_!" Trying to inject some sanity into this travesty of a conversation, Lelouch continued, "Isn't two months along too early to be doing stuff like baby showers, anyway?"

"Why should it matter if you aren't pregnant?" put in C.C., who at some point had apparently donned a school uniform and was now following them.

"Shut _up_, witch!"

Lelouch settled into the guest of honor's chair with an expression that looked like a thundercloud. (He'd practiced it briefly as Milly had dragged him past a bank of windows cleaned into mirror brightness.) Hopefully this would help discourage people from approaching him, and he could leave soon.

No such luck.

"Oh, Oniisama, I'm so happy for you!" Nunnally gushed, throwing her arms around him once she'd wheeled close enough. His heart melted. She was so adorable when she was happy…

"I can't believe I'm going to be an aunt!"

…even if it was because of a lie. Lelouch felt a pang of guilt at that.

"Congratulations," Suzaku said from behind Nunnally's chair, wearing his most sincere smile. "You'll be a great mom, I'm sure — look at how well you've done with Nunnally!"

Lelouch fought to maintain his mask of annoyance and _not_ roll his eyes. Men couldn't be mothers; Suzaku should know better. And how could he take this so calmly, the idiot, when it was _all his fault_? —Not that Lelouch was pregnant, of course, but if he were Suzaku would have been the only—

Ahem. That was a line of thought that was useless to follow.

"Rivalz!" he said with forced cheer as his comrade-in-gambling approached. "Do you know if there are potential takers at any of the usual places today?" _Please get me out of here,_he silently begged.

Rivalz shook his head soberly. "I really don't think riding the bike would be good for the baby — and what if something happened while we were out like with that truck a while back? You really need to start being more careful. Sorry, man."

He bit back a sigh. So much for escaping.

"I wonder, though," Nina said thoughtfully, tapping her chin, "how is it possible for a man to become pregnant?"

Lelouch immediately perked up. Finally, a voice of reason!

"Um, Lelouch… do you have any of your test results that I maybe might be able to look at? Biology's not one of my favorite disciplines, but I'd be willing to make an exception to study such an unusual case — if it were okay with you, of course." She fidgeted, looking at him with shy hope in her eyes.

_Dammit_.

Smart, sharp footsteps from behind him were the only warning he had before Kallen all but hauled him up by the collar, her eyes blazing. "How could you _do_something like this when there's so much at stake?"

"…What?" Lelouch managed, breathless.

Kallen roughly shoved him back into his chair. "The _rebellion_, obviously!" she hissed, her nose scant millimeters from his own. "We _need_you!"

Lelouch's eyes widened in disbelieving consternation. How… how did she _know_? He'd thrown her off the trail so convincingly with Sayoko, he'd thought, that she should never have been able to guess! And what was she _thinking_, going on about that _here_, of all places, in the middle of Britannian territory with Suzaku 'For Some Ungodly Reason I Support and Am Part of the Britannian Military' Kururugi _right there_? With the greatest trepidation, he glanced sideways at the other guests.

Suzaku was amicably chattering away with Nunnally, and miraculously, no one seemed to have noticed a thing. Lelouch frowned. There was definitely something weird going on here…

Over by the refreshments table, C.C. smirked and popped another hors d'oeuvre in her mouth, and Lelouch's suspicions grew.

"The only thing I want to know," Shirley said suddenly, frowning thoughtfully, "is who's the father?"

Lelouch froze, and, unbidden, his eyes sought out Suzaku — who, for his part, just blinked.

"I apologize for my tardiness!" a smooth voice announced as the door burst open. "I came as soon as I heard the news, but you know how unreliable intercontinental travel can be."

"Schneizel!" Lelouch gasped. He blinked several times, rubbed his eyes, and… no, oh god, _why was he still here_?

"My dearest Lelouch," Schneizel purred, crossing the room and taking him into a far-too-familiar embrace that left Lelouch feeling somehow dirty, "there aren't words to fully express my pride and joy on this momentous occasion. Don't worry," he continued, as Lelouch pulled away enough to lift his head from Schneizel's chest — all that gold braid had surely left a mark on his face — and stare at him in absolute horror, "I won't let our child grow up to be a fatherless bastard." He sank to one knee, gazing adoringly into Lelouch's eyes as he took his hands, and _why couldn't he remember the Geass he'd wanted so much to give him?_

"Will you," Schneizel said, pompous and formal and creepily fond, "return with me to Pendragon to be married, and become Princess Lelouch el Britannia?"

Lelouch screamed.

"—louch! Lelouch!"

He sat up with a gasp, heart pounding, chest heaving, covered in a cold sweat. It was 7:17 am and he was in his own room, in his rumpled bed, not wearing anything — he flushed a little at that — and Suzaku was hovering over him with a concerned look on his face.

And no shirt. Lelouch allowed himself to enjoy the view for a moment before he remembered the nightmare from which he'd just awoken. "Suzaku Kururugi!"

Suzaku blinked. "Um, yeah?"

"We are _never_ having anal sex _again!_"

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><p><strong>Epilogue<strong>

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><p><strong>7:18 am<strong>

"How can you say that after only _one time_?"

"I already told you, I don't want to talk about it!"

"But we haven't even tried it the other way!"

"What do you mean by _that_?"

**7:23 am**

"But I said I was all right with trying it!"

"Not _now_, tonight! I meant tonight! We're going to be late for class if you keep that up!"

"I don't care!"

"Well, I _do_."

"…Ugh, _fine_."

**10:37 pm**

"Hmmmmm. Was it better this time?"

"Hah, whew. Ask me again in the morning."

**?**

_"I think maybe I should quit the army," Suzaku said. He didn't look too happy about it, but the way his hand curled over his abdomen made it seem clear where his priorities lay. "After all, it won't be good for the baby if I keep fighting…"_

_Lelouch, who had been about to issue another blistering condemnation of Suzaku's pigheaded belief that the doctors were correct, paused. "…I think that's probably for the best," he said neutrally, fighting to contain his glee._

_"I'm worried, though." Suzaku sighed. "How will we be able to protect our child in such a politically hostile environment?"_

_"I'll take care of it," Lelouch declared confidently, shifting so Suzaku could rest his head on his shoulder. "Don't you worry about a thing."_

**7:20 am**

"So?"

"Hmmmmm?"

"You said to ask again in the morning, so I'm asking again: Was it better?"

"Definitely. Now get over here and kiss me."

"Hmm, all right."

"…what's so funny?"

"If it was _really_ that big of a deal to you, you could have just said something instead of resorting to melodrama. Waking up screaming, really?"

"I had a nightmare! —and I already told you I'm _not_ talking about it!"

"Whatever you say, Lelouch."

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><p>End. 15 February 2012.<p> 


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